Thursday, November 18, 2004

Explicit Food Porn - touch me, lick me, eat me, let me inside you


You owe me awe!
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The most fantastic news story of the week so far …
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The introduction of the Hardees Monster Thickburger on 16th November 2004; a day that will live in infamy.
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In a similar way to the arrival of the first Boeing 747 or the invention of railways, comparison with existing products on the marketplace is almost meaningless, such is the quantum leap in burger design represented by the Monster Thickburger:
  • two 1/3-pound slabs of Angus beef
  • four strips of bacon
  • three slices of cheese
  • mayonnaise
  • 107 grams of fat
  • 1,420 calories
  • Available at a very reasonable $5.49 for the burger / $7.09 with fries and a soda
  • and, yes, a healthy option low-carb version will also be available
Sadly, Hardees don’t operate in the UK.
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I wrote a blog entry a few weeks ago that spoke with grudging admiration about the McDonalds Big and Tasty burger with its 804 calories and 45 grams of fat. Compared to the brutish virility of Monster Thickburger, the McDonalds rival puts on stiletto hears and a dress then parties to Barbra Streisand albums whilst sipping on a refreshing gin and tonic. I have lived to see the future and it is large. At a single stroke, equivalent to a Fast Food Pearl Harbour, all other burgers have been caught dawdling on the runway and are now fit only for inclusion in Happy Meals.
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From the Chief Exec of Hardees:

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"This is not a burger for tree huggers. This is a burger for young hungry guys who want a really big, delicious, juicy, decadent burger," he said. "I hope our competitors keep promoting those healthy products, and we will keep promoting our big, juicy delicious burgers."
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Clearly not the thoughts of an man in any way apologetic about his life's work or planning any sort of redemptive acts. He obviously sleeps well at night.
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The first time I saw a picture of the Thickburger I just sat staring at my monitor, dumbstruck, for a couple of minutes. Looking over the specs of this baby I inevitably thought about that line from Francis Dolarhyde, the psycho in Red Dragon …
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'To me, you are a slug in the sun. You are privy to a great becoming but you recognise nothing ... Before me you rightly tremble. But you owe me more than fear. YOU OWE ME AWE!'
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